Giving birth to yourself. And then watching as your little genetic clone struggles with the same personality--flaws is not really the right word, I don't think--difficulties, lets say, that you have tried to (are trying to, will be trying to) overcome. I watched heartbroken (and somewhat horrified) today as Ruth streached a 20-minute spelling lesson out for almost an hour, beating herself up, crying her eyes out and erasing holes in the paper. I encouraged her that she was doing well. I begged her to consider leaving off this lesson for today and coming back to it tomorrow, when she might have a new perspective. I sat there knowing just exactly how she felt and not being able to do a thing in the world about it. She wanted the letters to be perfect. They looked great to me. But to her, they weren't perfect, and no amount of cajoling could persuade her otherwise. I have struggled with this same perfectionism my whole life, in certain areas. I have wadded up countless pieces of paper with only the slightest mistake on them. In high school, I always wrote my final draft first, and then went back and wrote the outline because I didn't want anything to be incomplete. As recently as yesterday, I felt this need to get things "just right" almost overwhelming me. But I am a grown up, and I have learned (am learning, will be learning) that everything doesn't always have to be perfect. Having children has helped a lot with that. But watching Ruth struggle with herself in this way is almost more than I can bear. I, of course, want her to always do her best, but by no means do I expect perfection. How can I teach her to love herself and to accept her best as her best?! How can I model that for her in my own life, when I feel the same way she feels?!
Oh, Lord, please help me! This is beyond my strength and beyond my knowledge. It is too much for me. But I know it is not too difficult for you! Touch my little girl's heart and let her know that You love her (and her too-fat "d") just the way she (it) is, and that that is enough. And while you're at it, touch my heart as well.
You have hit upon my greatest fear with Rylie.
ReplyDeleteWe'll figure it out together.
Oh, how difficult.
ReplyDeleteOne of the ways I circumvent that with Emlyn is that I only ever suggest things, rather than make her do things. The only problem with that is it's incompatible with homeschooling.
I try not to criticize her work and only give positives and emphasize her effort rather than perfection.
But it is SO hard. I'm right there with you most of the time.
I've had many students who are the same way. Not only tears, but broken pencils and thrown backpacks over a too-fat d. If you ever find a way to overcome it, please enlighten me.
ReplyDeleteI SOOOOO understand how you feel. Lord, please help us to find a way.
ReplyDelete