Making me crazy and saving my sanity

Y'all. I am not even kidding when I tell you I actually did a Google search today for boarding schools FAR, FAR AWAY. Because it was that kind of day. The kind of day where I wondered what on earth had ever prompted me to homeschool my children. Or bring them into this world in the first place. The Google search actually seemed like the most rational thing I had done all day, and frankly, I felt better just knowing there were some options out there.

To combat the feelings of ick lingering over the house, I transformed the whiteboard in our school room into a thankfulness board. I put up a note that no one was allowed to write anything on the board that didn't have something to do with gratitude. One of the kids looked at me cock-eyed and confused and asked if this was supposed to be the grammar lesson. It wasn't. When the actual grammar lesson was dispensed, I stood at the board for a long time and could think of nothing to write. I walked away. I came back. Still nothing. Finally the fog lifted (Literally. It was a ridiculously foggy morning.), and I rushed to the board and wrote "sunshine." No one else came within ten feet of the board. But I felt my focus shift and with it my day.

Being a single parent this evening, I had all the taxiing duty to myself. So, after dropping a kid off and picking a kid up, and doing the in between errands, I arrived back at the house prepared to open a can of beans and call it dinner. But as I walked in the back door, I found two of the children WORKING TOGETHER in the end stages of dinner prep. And, they had not been asked, cajoled, or begged to do this. There were no tears and no ugly words. And the child I had just picked up immediately jumped into the fray and started helping. Again, without being asked. And, one of the other children demanded from the third that he thank his sister for the help. I almost fell over from shock! And gratitude swelled in my heart.

And, as I rounded the corner, I saw several items written on the board, and one of the children declared that making a gratitude board had been a wonderful idea.

I don't know what magic was present in our house tonight. I only know that these people that I brought into the world are both my madness and my sanity. And I know there is power in gratitude.

Unbound

One week ago, I was set free from my hip-to-ankle knee brace prison, which broke my entire leg out in a rash and which had to be locked into the straight position at night, making it impossible to get a full night's sleep. That freedom came six weeks after I had my knee surgery, but in the four weeks before the surgery, I was held hostage by lesser contraptions, for a grand total of 80 days of varying degrees of immobility. Truly, though, it felt like a much longer period of time, and I often wondered if I would ever emerge on the other side. (They tell me that, even though I am free of the brace, my full range of mobility will not return for at least another six months. But, just having the brace off makes me feel human again, and that's definitely a good feeling!)

When the brace came off, I felt a wave of freedom shake me from head to toe. It seemed to go deeper than the bending and straightening my knee. So I started to probe a bit to see if I could figure out what was going on inside my own head. And it wasn't until that day that I realized just how deep my bondage was. It certainly wasn't just physical. The injury, loss of freedom, lack of sleep, pain, and knowledge that life can turn on a dime congealed in my mind to create an atmosphere of fear, anxiety, depression, negativity, and insecurity. I lost all interest in my Year of Firsts (though I kept doing them, out of a sense of duty I suppose), and every new thing (and quite a few old-hat things) I faced seemed like they had the potential to be the RipStik all over again. I struggled to muster up the courage to take any risks, no matter how small. I honestly felt paralyzed in so many ways, and I wasn't fully connecting the injury to my mental state. But, when the brace came off, I instantly felt clarity in the situation and recognized it for what it was.

This week has been full of freedoms in mind and body, and I feel much more like myself. I feel like trying new things and embracing challenges again. And I don't feel afraid or anxious of every single situation. In order to ditch the brace, I had to prove to my physical therapist that I could push through the pain and that I could build up the appropriate strength. To be truly unbound in my mind, there are similar hurdles to overcome.  I suspect this knee injury isn't yet finished with all the lessons it has to teach me, and I hope I have the grace and open-mindedness to receive them well as I work to make my mind stronger and more fit, just as I continue to work on physical strength and fitness.

Yes, And

*This is a deviation from my vacation postings. We're still cruising down the Alaska Highway, and I'll get back to that soon, but today there is something else on my mind.*

One month from today I will turn 40. This seems almost impossible to me, because I don't feel that I should have that many decades behind me. When I absorbed this fact earlier in the year, I honestly became quite depressed. I won't go into details, but it was an ugly time that seemed like it would consume me. Realizing that I was spiraling downward quickly and desperate to dig my heels in and fight it if I could, I started casting about for something--anything--that could act as an anchor and keep me from being sucked into the strong undercurrent of my emotional instability. 

That's when I came across a book called I Dare Me by Lu Ann Cahn. The subtitle drew me in: "How I rebooted and recharged my life by doing something new every day." Rebooting and recharging definitely seemed like a move in the right direction for me. And since I had been struggling with the mundanity of everyday suburban life after our trip around the world, "something new everyday" was irresistibly intriguing. It was a quick read, in which Ms. Cahn chronicled her "year of firsts," which included some things as simple as trying new-to-her foods, to activities as daring as rappelling into a cenote. Most of the things on her list were things she worked into her everyday life. Some were real stretches for her, and others were things she'd always wanted to try. Her main objective was simply to say "yes" when opportunities presented themselves and to give herself permission to step outside her comfort zone. She didn't love every first, but she learned a lot about herself, and she found herself in the new habit of saying "yes." For her, it was a method of combatting her own depression and a feeling of being stuck.

I'm certainly no improv actress, but I have taken a couple of classes and read a couple of books, trying to understand the techniques improv actors employee. There are many principles in the study of improv that are applicable to success in everyday life. Chief among them is the "Yes, and" concept. It basically means you take what is given to you and make it your own. This is what makes improv funny. You have no control over what is given to you by another player or audience member, but you can gratefully accept it and make into something you can work with. For many people, myself included, it is more natural to want to say "No." That's not the scene I want to play; that's not the character I want to portray. Lots of people want to be in control and therefore flat out refuse those situations that aren't entirely of their own making. But even when we can get ourselves to say "yes," we often follow it with "but" rather than "and." This kills the scene and all forward progress. You have to take what your improv partner (or life) gives you, and then you have to make something of it. You can't put the brakes on every idea, and you can't fill the scene (days) with excuses or conditions. Sometimes, you just have to jump in and go with it.

So, this is what I thought of when I read Ms. Cahn's book, and I knew immediately that a year of firsts, a "yes, and" year, was exactly how I wanted to celebrate the first year of a new decade of my life. The prospect makes me excited and nervous, and that's how I know it's the right thing to do. As I contemplated the idea, my depression was eventually lifted, and I made a plan to start my year of firsts on my birthday.

But, I seriously need some help. 365 days is a lot of days, and, while I want to be spontaneous and look at my world with new eyes for inspiration, I also want to have an arsenal of firsts from which to draw if I get stumped. I have started making a list, but it's a little skimpy. That's where you come in, if you're willing. I would love to have your suggestions of big and small things I can add to my list. I would also appreciate your words of encouragement and support, along with your own stories of saying, "Yes, and." 

I will be starting a new blog, devoted only to my year of firsts, and will keep this one for the goings-on of our family. I will share the URL soon and would love it if you'd follow along on my personal journey for self-improvement. Feel free to leave your suggestions for firsts in the comments section of this blog or on Facebook. 

Crossing a Crunchy Line

First, there was the homeschooling. Then, I jumped into experimenting with essential oils. More recently, I have made drastic changes to my family's diet, instituting a healthy eating plan they lovingly refer to as "The Regime." But now, I've crossed another line in the pursuit of "crunchiness." I've gotten into yoga. And, by that I basically mean yoga has pretty much been saving my life since this new year began.

I've had "try yoga" on my New Year's resolution list for quite a long time, but I just haven't ever gotten around to finding a class or making the time or whatever. Because making excuses is generally easier than making changes, which is why most New Year's resolutions never even have a realistic chance of getting off the ground. But, as I mentioned in a previous post, I've been pretty depressed since our move back to Texas, and, in an effort to combat that, I've tried all sorts of things--a ballroom dance class, an improv class, a Spanish practice app, a painting class, reading lots of books, working on my geography books, experimenting in the kitchen, getting more serious about photography. These activities have all been fun and well worth the time (and I am still enjoying several of them on an ongoing basis), but, when the new year rolled around, I felt like I needed to try something else. And, there was yoga, still on my list, waving its hand around yelling, "Pick me! Pick me!"

I checked with a local Facebook group for recommendations for beginner classes, and the one suggested more than any other was within walking distance of my house. I didn't really feel like my excuses could hold up to that--or the fact that the time was right and this studio offered one class for free, just to try it out. So, I carved out some space in my Wednesday evening and have been going somewhat regularly for about six weeks. I LOVE it and keep asking myself why I didn't try it sooner and where this has been all my life!

For a person who instinctively and subconsciously holds her breath as a  (poor and ineffective) coping mechanism in the face of stress, an activity where every move is counted in breaths rather than time seems wildly magical and utterly freeing. Every Wednesday evening, for an hour, I have permission to breathe. And, even when I can't get the yoga pose right, I feel like I have truly accomplished something if I was simply able to keep breathing. I am learning that even when I feel like a particular stretch might unhinge one of my joints, I can breathe through it, and it will pass, and I will come out feeling stronger and more confident. Obviously, there are applications beyond the yoga studio.

I come home from class physically relaxed and mentally serene (and smelling like essential oils!) I feel positive and tranquil, and, frankly, thankful for a legit reason to wear yoga pants around. The feeling doesn't always last all week long, but it seems to last longer and longer all the time, and I find myself remembering to breathe more often, which is only a good thing.

So, here's to following through on New Year's resolutions and to crunchy living!

Feel Good Friday: Choose the light

More times than I can count over the course of the last 14 years--my parenting years--I have heard words coming out of my mouth, directed at one kid or another, meant to correct inappropriate behavior and develop deeper character. And, sometimes, I'm quite shocked that the words I'm saying might be better directed inward than outward. Being a parent makes me acutely aware of my own character flaws and shortcomings. I see my hypocrisies and failings as if under a magnifying glass. And, so often, when I am correcting one of the kids, my words ricochet and strike me right in the heart, and I realize something in me needs to change, particularly if I want to see that change in one of them.

This happened today. I was reminding one of my dear offspring that every moment we have a choice about the kind of person we are going to be. Are we going to be rude or kind? Happy or sad? Engaged or disengaged? Respectful or disrespectful? Positive or negative? Helpers or hurters? Workers or slackers? We can't control everything that happens in life, but we can control how we respond. We always have a choice. 

The truth is, I have been pretty depressed since our RTW trip ended. I have been resentful of my stationary situation and have flatly refused (both subconsciously and consciously) to be happy in this place. Of course I've had moments of happiness and things certainly haven't been all bad. But, in my heart, I know I haven't really been trying that hard to make the choice to be happy. 

And, today, as I spoke to my child about choices, some lightbulb suddenly reignited inside my brain, and I realized that I can change my choice. That, in fact, I must change my choice, because I do not want to go through my days unhappy. I can and will choose to change my inner dialogue. I can and will choose happiness, regardless of my situation.

"We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on." --J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

As for me, in this rare and beautiful moment of clarity, I will choose the light.

(For more of my ramblings on choosing happiness, check out this post.)

Feel Good Friday: My Happy List

Ten Things I'm Happy About Today

1. Beautiful weather

2. Homemade chicken salad

3. On Guard oil in the diffuser

4. Kids who can entertain themselves

5. A cool science experiment

6. The opportunity to homeschool my kids

7. My wooden utensil collection

8. Date Night

9. Pumpkin Spice Martinis

10. A text from my SIL saying she's coming for a visit

{The truth is, today didn't really feel like the happiest of days. And, I was discouraged because I couldn't come up with a single meaningful thing to post for Feel Good Friday, which kind of felt like a failure and only served to make me feel worse. But then, I realized that the whole point of this weekly segment is to create happiness and positivity. So, I decided that I would take a break from thinking about all the things that could make me unhappy and focus only on the things that could make me HAPPY instead. I'll admit, it took some time to get started on my list. It took even more time to finish the list. It was an exercise in mindfulness, and I was forced to deliberately sift through the data in my brain, passing up the negative thoughts and picking out the positive ones. It wasn't exactly easy, but I'm really glad I did it. I wish I would have taken the time to make the list earlier in the day because I can now see how much I have to be happy about. Negative thoughts tend to build on one another inside my head and can quickly snowball out of control. Making a happy list (in writing!) takes away the momentum of the melancholy and allows my brain to reset. In my opinion, the harder it is to make the list, the more important it is to do it. Do you have a happy list? I would love for you share, if you're willing, because I think we could both benefit from it.} 

Feel Good Friday: The Boss of Me

http://dailyburn.com/life/lifestyle/instagram-positive-affirmations/

Awaysick

away•sick

adjective

experiencing a deep longing to go away after a period of being in one place; the opposite of homesick: 
The boy began planning road trips, claiming to be awaysick.

Last week, Weston was studying native tribes around the world during his History class. It was a topic that captured his attention and made him want to learn more. So, he checked out some books from the library, and every day he would report on the interesting things he was learning, half-fascinated, half-horrified: Mom, listen to this: this tribe would skin their enemies and wear the skins as a covering for their own bodies. 

He was also eager to know where the tribes had been located and curious about any remnants left behind that visitors might be able to see. Mom, how long do you think it would take to drive to Ohio? Do you think we could go for a weekend, so we can see this burial ground shaped like a snake? Could we try to plan a trip to South America, sometime after football season, so we can visit these particular sites?

His enthusiasm was contagious, and one day I told him that I really liked all the road trips he was planning to go along with his History lessons. His response stopped me in my tracks: I'm just really awaysick. You know, the opposite of homesick. 

This boy, who has so often struggled to put words together in coherent ways, managed to wordsmith a word that expressed the very depth of his heart...and mine. 

We stared at each other for a moment with tears brimming in our eyes and then went about our day, because there was nothing else to do. But, that word keeps echoing in my heart. I think it's the truest word I have ever heard. 

I'm not going to lie, our adjustment back to "normal" life has been difficult for me. Waking up in the same house and bed day after day and going through the same routines wears on me. During our travels, the longest we ever stayed in one place was one month. We were always encountering new things and situations, and even laundry stayed just challenging enough to be interesting. I admit, I feel ready to move on, even though I know this is a season for being rooted. I know people who really love to be home and only want to go on the occasional vacation. I think that's awesome. But, for me, the awaysickness is real. 

My question for those of you who don't revel in the routines of life and who may have similar nomadic tendencies is this:  What do you do to combat the mundanity and soothe the awaysickness when leaving isn't an option? I am eager to learn your secrets and will take your suggestions to heart.