Ordem e Progresso*

Here are a few of my observations of customs, cultural ideas and ways of doing things from our time here in Brazil. This is, obviously, just based on the small circle we run in and therefore may not apply to all Brazilians. It is also not intended to be condemning in any way. This is not an exhaustive list, but maybe it will give some of you a small idea of what life is like here.

• Coffee is good for you. There are placards on all the tables in a particular restaurant we frequent that say: "Three cups of coffee per day is the ideal to maintain a constant level of energy." Also, there may be work to be done, but not until we've had our coffee (with as much sugar and milk as actual coffee).
• Rain is dangerous for babies. A lady chased me down outside of church the other night in order to cover Max's head with an umbrella for all of the 10 steps it took to get to our friend's car. When I jokingly told her, "It's just water." She looked appalled and explained to me that rain is dangerous for babies.
• Babies need at least three baths per day, always followed by a clothes change. This only applies to Brazilian children. I feel like we're doing pretty good if the kids get a bath every other day or so.
• I AM going to help you. Sounds nice enough, but sometimes it would be better to have no help at all. For instance, one time Jeff went to the store with an acquaintance of ours to pick up some things for a party we were having. He thought that while he was there, he would just go ahead and pick up some things for another party we were having the following day. He wanted to get meat for the grill, but when said acquaintance saw the cut of meat he picked up, he offered the help of a man he knows who is a butcher. Jeff thought this might be a good idea. So, the acquaintance called the brother of the butcher and found out the butcher wasn't working that day. No matter, the brother (a shoe salesman) was willing to help. They picked up the shoe salesman and went right back to the same store they just left and picked out the exact same cut of meat Jeff had in the first place (two hours later).
• The water from the sink is very dangerous to drink. But it's perfect for washing dishes and bodies and for brushing teeth. And in every case, except for bodies, it's always cold. (We, by the way, have not used filtered water during our time here and have not been sick even once).
• And speaking of washing bodies: Apparently, it's not a bad idea to have live, exposed wiring running to the shower head to heat the water.
• It is, however, dangerous to pump your own gas. This is why we felt so much safer the time we rented a car and were almost run over by no fewer than 3 other cars as we followed the direction of the numerous attendants.
• It becomes too hot to play on the playground at exactly 11:00 am.
• Babies should never cry, meaning they should be held every minute or fed candy at the first sign of whimpering or suck on a pacifier until well into their teens.
• It is winter, therefore your baby is cold. Even though he's sweating. Every single day of winter, some Brazilian lady stopped me to comment on how cold Max must be. I was even given a bag of clothes and socks (for all the children) to "hopefully help."
• It is unsanitary and impolite to drink directly from a can or bottle. Instead, you will be issued a flimsy 6 oz. plastic cup in which to pour your drink. Or, if it's a really nice restaurant, you will be issued a 6 oz. glass cup. They don't do large drinking vessels here.
• It is unnecessary to refrigerate eggs and milk. And, apparently, meat as well. Probably a fourth of all the meat we've bought since we've been here has been bad when we've opened it.
• High heels are not optional. They are necessary footwear for all women over the age of 12, regardless of time of day or destination.
• Pumpkin is always used in savory dishes; avocado always sweet.
• Corn can be used in sweet dishes or savory and can be served anywhere, anytime. Corn yogurt, anyone?
• Mozzerella cheese is the only cheese you need.
• Cleanliness really is next to godliness. There is some obsesive cleaning going on here.
• But that's o.k. becuase the full-time maid will take care of it. Where we are, it's unheard of not to have full-time domestic help. In the midst of a conversation about this once, a man found out we didn't have anyone to help us here or back in the U.S. and with the utmost concern asked, "So your house just stays with the dust?!" Yes. Yes, it does.
• There are no mops. Floors are cleaned by pouring gallons of soapy water all over and then sweeping it around with a broom, and then going back over it with a long-handled squeegie covered with a (threadbare) hand towel.
• Why hire one person to do the job if you can hire 10 to do the same thing? We are nothing here if not over-staffed.
• Old people and people with children ALWAYS go to the front of the line. This has worked in our favor (obviously), but it has also worked against us. Once, when attempting to pay the condo bill (at the lottery store, which is where that bill must be paid), Jeff had to give up his spot in line five or six times to old men coming in to see if they won big. By the time he got to the front of the line the whole system had gone down, making it impossible to pay the bill and forcing him to have to go through the routine yet again.
• There is almost no chance that someone will pick you up when they say they will. Once, we were supposed to have someone pick us up at 3:00. At 4:00 we called to see where the driver was. The man we talked to said he hadn't left the office yet. When we inquired as to when he might be leaving the office, we were told that he hadn't actually arrived at the office yet. I think he was (unapologeticly) 1 1/2 or 2 hours late that day. This is not uncommon. If you call a cab, they always say they will be there in 5 minutes. That hasn't ever actually happened yet.
• 9:00 is an acceptable dinner time. 10:00 is better. Restaurants don't even open for dinner until 6:00, and if you show up then, you are guarunteed to have the place to yourself.

*This is the motto for Brazil. It means "Order and Progress," and it may very well be the least accurate motto ever.