To the manufacturers of smoke detectors:

First of all, let me say, I very much appreciate your efforts to create a product to protect my home and family in the event of a fire. I really do. It helps me rest a little easier at night. Most nights. But, I am seriously wondering who treated you badly as a child to make you grow up and configure these handy little devices to only malfunction in the middle of the night? There has never been a time in my memory when a battery went dead, with its accompanying repetitive warning signal, during daylight hours. Or, when the interconnected wonders began their blaring, for no apparent reason, in the middle of the afternoon. I used to think it was just a coincidence, but now I'm convinced it's an act of malevolence on your part. The odds are just against it being random.

And, is it really necessary for smoke detectors to be installed on ceilings, so that we are incapable of restoring peace to our sleepy households without having to drag the ladder in from the garage? It just seems like you've added insult to injury there. Having sleep deprived people several feet up in the air doesn't lend much credibility to your supposed purpose of creating these devices for safety's sake. I'm just saying.

I am very tired now, since I was up half the night enduring your vengeance, so I will close this letter. I implore you to find it in your hearts to rethink the middle-of-the-night workings of these otherwise useful contraptions.