Trying to find my voice

With the new slate of the new year, I had grand ideas about what I would accomplish or attempt to accomplish. One of the things that was burning in my heart was a desire to write. I wanted to write more consistently on this blog. I wanted to write in pen and ink on paper. I wanted to write something meaningful. Or funny. Or useful. Or beautiful. I had even hoped that there might be something publishable that I could pull out of the fleeting words floating around in my addled head. I have heard that many people give up on their New Year's resolutions by March. And, though I don't want to give up, I just feel like I haven't quite found my voice. I'm intimidated by the many truly beautiful and wonderful words I read in books and other people's blogs. And, when I do try to write, I just feel like I completely lack focus, and my words come out stilted, like I'm trying too hard. My mind, like my house, is not a shrine to tidiness. The words are in there, but they are hard to find under all the clutter. They are harder yet to express when I do find them. And, sometimes it makes me tired even to try. So, I don't. But, I don't want to give up, which is why I'm writing this post. It is purely an act of will right now to sit and put words together into sentences. But, usually, before something can come easily and be done for pleasure, it has to come by force. I am redoubling my resolve to write, even if it I must make myself do it for now. I hope that in so doing, I will find my voice and it will speak for itself.