Unbound

One week ago, I was set free from my hip-to-ankle knee brace prison, which broke my entire leg out in a rash and which had to be locked into the straight position at night, making it impossible to get a full night's sleep. That freedom came six weeks after I had my knee surgery, but in the four weeks before the surgery, I was held hostage by lesser contraptions, for a grand total of 80 days of varying degrees of immobility. Truly, though, it felt like a much longer period of time, and I often wondered if I would ever emerge on the other side. (They tell me that, even though I am free of the brace, my full range of mobility will not return for at least another six months. But, just having the brace off makes me feel human again, and that's definitely a good feeling!)

When the brace came off, I felt a wave of freedom shake me from head to toe. It seemed to go deeper than the bending and straightening my knee. So I started to probe a bit to see if I could figure out what was going on inside my own head. And it wasn't until that day that I realized just how deep my bondage was. It certainly wasn't just physical. The injury, loss of freedom, lack of sleep, pain, and knowledge that life can turn on a dime congealed in my mind to create an atmosphere of fear, anxiety, depression, negativity, and insecurity. I lost all interest in my Year of Firsts (though I kept doing them, out of a sense of duty I suppose), and every new thing (and quite a few old-hat things) I faced seemed like they had the potential to be the RipStik all over again. I struggled to muster up the courage to take any risks, no matter how small. I honestly felt paralyzed in so many ways, and I wasn't fully connecting the injury to my mental state. But, when the brace came off, I instantly felt clarity in the situation and recognized it for what it was.

This week has been full of freedoms in mind and body, and I feel much more like myself. I feel like trying new things and embracing challenges again. And I don't feel afraid or anxious of every single situation. In order to ditch the brace, I had to prove to my physical therapist that I could push through the pain and that I could build up the appropriate strength. To be truly unbound in my mind, there are similar hurdles to overcome.  I suspect this knee injury isn't yet finished with all the lessons it has to teach me, and I hope I have the grace and open-mindedness to receive them well as I work to make my mind stronger and more fit, just as I continue to work on physical strength and fitness.